After the first month of university I felt pretty overwhelmed and didn’t know how to express it. I struggled to tell people I was actually anxious and that my perfectionist tendencies were making me fall apart at the seams a little. That’s where the expression ‘I’m running in circles’ kicks in. I had managed to exhaust myself in trying to do everything right and work and commute a minimum of 2 hours a day. Being able to keep it together only got easier as I settled into this lifestyle but it definitely took more than one month and I don’t think I hit my stride till after midterms were over.
Like most people mentioned in my original blog posts, Jasmine and I lost track of each other. I know for a while we were both in Australia at the same time and even in the same city for a time being. But as you know, even the best made plans to keep in touch often fail miserably. It’s been almost 7 years now since we’ve seen or spoken to each other and I hope that she’s doing well and that her life is going the way she thought it would.
Some things never change though. Moving back into the same small space living with 2 guys is infuriating. This house was not built with enough bedrooms or even rooms to allow for personal space. Not enough storage either so things have become rather unconventional. It is what it is and somehow we’ve managed to make it work.
The feelings of wanderlust still run very deep with me. I want to explore and travel and be in a new city or place every couple of months. If money wasn’t an object then that’s probably what I’d be doing right now. As for the book I mentioned, it’s never been published. There was a time where I was hell bent on it. I still don’t think I’ve finished the story completely and it is in need of much editing. At this point in my life I can’t go back to writing about that world. It served a purpose during high school when I was obsessed with writing about my characters but now the plot seems stupid and I don’t need that guardian angel character to save me like I thought I did then. For now, those hundreds of pages will remain as a hidden file on my laptop.
Unlike those hidden files of the book, I am bringing these posts to new light in the hope that you as a reader can enjoy the 20/20 hindsight on the musings of a fresh out of high school teen. And that those of you that know me personally now can share in my past and know how and why I am now the person that I am.
“I feel like i’m running in circles and still not making it all the way around.
today, as the last day of our first month of university survived, i feel as if i should do a commemorative post to our lives. to the parts that we have missed and the parts that we wish to come. as a cynical teen, i realize that i’ve missed out on some stuff and hope to make it up in the coming months. i’ve missed you guys. i’ve missed seeing everybody everyday, i’ve missed telling people things and seeing their reactions. i miss talking about stupid stuff other than school, and the party from the weekend that i didn’t go to.
right now, i guess i’m just trying to hold on and make the best of things… ps. i fucken hate sharing my dad’s house with 2 guys. never again am i living with 2 guys unless it’s some extenuating circumstance, or if it’s a larger living space.
i spoke to jasmine last night. she’s going to Australia for her nursing program in January. it’s so great that she got into it. she’s super excited. i also got to talk to victor yesterday. it was sort of sad cause neither one of us wanted to hang up. i feel like that anytime i talk to one of my friends that i don’t see often.
school is shit. i work so hard and then splat, i hit a brick wall with my face, or at least it seems that way. the only good thing right now is debate club even though i suck at debating cause i shake like a leaf in the wind whenever i speak. econ midterm on the 7th. holy crap. another arts one lecture on monday on plato’s republic and an essay due on medea and odyssey. i’m not even going to talk about french cause i’m starting to hate it. i love the language but i highly dislike my prof. i spend hours busing and studying and not much else lately so school has defs taken over my life. sometimes i wish that i could live in plato’s little village that he came up with because of this. their methods of education seem so much more loveable, it’s all philosophy.
sometimes, i just wish i could hop on a plane and go anywhere i chose. visit some people, find things to write about, find somebody who’d publish my book, and continue living life writing and traveling and eventually start a family of my own. just having moments where i wish i was anywhere but here right now.
love ya darlings, i’ll write more when i have more time.
bye for now,